Reflections on Loss

A different post today.

Last week a cousin of mine in her early 40s suddenly collapsed, fell into a coma and was dead within days.  I’m not quite sure yet of the details beyond that but needless to say many in my extended family are still in shock. She is survived by her mother and two daughters 10 and 7 that she was raising as a single mother.  There are many layers here that I have been thinking about the past few days – I wish I could say that they all tie together in a way that is clear from me but they don’t.  Instead I think about the clarity of death for the deceased and the fog that clouds the living.  This is thick fog for me as I try to sort out what lessons am I supposed to learn about myself, what did I learn from Katie, what do any of us call a good life  – and many others that I’m not sure how to write about yet.

Of course I am thinking about my own kids and what would happen should my wife or I or both of us suddenly pass away.  I’m having trouble reconciling all of the true joys that become apparent with young children and the cold and suddenness of death.  For me it is more than just high highs and low lows; rather, it is much more along the lines of what is the point of it all.  Not in a suicidal way, but more in a way of we make choices, do things for our children, think we are making an impact but it all seems so small.

One thing I didn’t predict about the move is a differnet kind of loneliness when you move – namely the friendships aren’t developed enough in the area for me to really share and listen when something bad happens.  We have the social networks of playdates and babysitting started but not the people to have over for a drink to talk through the unexpected stuff.

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